Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Duality of Being

We all lead double lives to some degree, some more so than others. There's the house wife who sneaks out for a cigarette, or maybe has a secret fondness for a romance novel every once and a while. It gets her a cheap thrill, makes her feel like less of a square.

Then there's people like me, with slightly more elaborate and well-thought-out double lives. We're like mild schizophrenics. By day the dutiful husband/father, by night an egotistical womanizer. The two are so withdrawn from each other that they might as well be completely different people.

Instead of some slight duality, some nights I feel more like Evil Superman and Clark Kent. Both play-off the possibility of the other as slightly more than superstition.

In hindsight, one of the many problems with Halloween night was a conflict of personalities. If I had been able to completely isolate, compartmentalize, the different parts of the evening I would probably have been fine. Id would have had a blast with Nikky in the hotel room, Johnny could have handled Cat and friends.

The problem was that they overlapped. At one point, when Nikky was helping us get to the right area of town, my best friend actually met her [and Cat almost did too :O]... so which personality takes over? You basically have to blow one person off and see to the other. It complicates things, you wink at one and conspire with the other? Or you agree to a beer with one while grabbing a room key from the other? Bottom line, you can't do both. Not well at least. It creates stress, it drains you in ways that are hard to imagine.

Today was another day with some overlapping. Apparently I am addictive, at least sexually, because Nikky needed a fix despite being blown off Halloween night. The only time we could meet up was right after Cat left for work. At my house.

Who's house is it, the attentive father or the womanizer who has nude pictures of women as trophies?

It was a dilemma. One that made me realize the errors made Halloween night. I didn't want Nikky to know where I lived, I didn't want to share the Johnny side with her if the only part of me interested in her was Id.

Id won out. Was there any question? At the very least I needed something to write about today.

So she came over fifteen minutes after Cat left. We fucked each other silly, downstairs since Cat and I have an agreement about not having sex (with anyone but each other) upstairs (downstairs was never mentioned and so became a loophole today).

I made a makeshift bed out of blankets and padding, then welcomed her with conflicting emotions. Id was happy to see an easily available woman, Johnny was horrified to have sex with her next to all the accessories accumulated with Cat. In the day time. Like Mr. Hyde, Mr. Id is supposed to only come out at night.

Then she wanted to hang out, see the rest of the house. Id satisfied, Johnny just wanted her to get the fuck out of his house. The next twenty minutes until she left were excruciating. Smile and nod. Smile and nod.

What complicated webs we we weave when first we practice to deceive. Ourselves and others.

Ourselves and others.


  1. Oh, I have sooo been there. Mrs Id. I have one.

    Would you seriously risk losing Cat? Your house? You have to consider that. I had to face that this summer, I was asked for a divorce, over some piece of ass I spent the summer trying to get into the sack with. Turns out he was a moron, and not somebody I would consider getting into a relationship with, after all.
    And somehow, I have managed to rescue my relationship with my husband out of the shitter.

    Don't mean to be moralistic, just realistic. I am the last person to judge, but I went through it, got found out, etc. It's not fun...

    Yeah, those loopholes. My house and head was full of them too.

    I guess it's different in a way for guys, I was more after an emotional thing, not just a fuck. I think I could have handled it better if there wasn't the emotional element, and I wasn't feeling so ignored by my husband. I was looking for attention, it turns out. A cry for help, possibly.
    Are you doing that? Can you answer yourself honestly?

    If it's just a fuck you want, then just be careful not to hurt Cat.

  2. Cat and I have a pretty good agreement, I wasn't risking much except having an embarrassing conversation if caught.

    As far as a cry for help? Lol, there are plenty of areas in my life that I could use help and none of them in the way you mean. Cat is not a one-man woman, I tried to be the dutiful husband for many years and we were at each other's throats- ready to kill each other or at least get a divorce. Having "opened" the relationship we're closer than have been in years.

    Hope that clarifies the situation slightly.

  3. The stress of dual lives is incredible. That's all I have to say.

  4. OK, that's cool, you sound one step head of me. :-)

    Sorry, wasn't being moralistic, just making sure hearts don't get hurt. Glad you have managed to open the relationship successfully, that takes some doing! We aren't there yet.