Monday, November 9, 2009

Introspective Thoughts (part prose)

I'm surprising myself these past few months, my deviancy, my own extremes. Each time I think I've reached a firm boundary I put a tentative toe over the line, enjoy it, and re-establish a far more distant line.

Control, deception, manipulation, dominance. All things that I never thought had a place in my life, let alone my sex life, are being slowly revealed. It's like rediscovering myself, rediscovering sex. Whole worlds being understood and opened up to me.

I think I feared my own subconscious, I feared giving way to anything but logic. When aroused you start to lose control, conscious thoughts fading to the background. You reach a point where you'd do anything for another touch...

Worse even than losing control of myself, giving that control to another.

So I locked away my subconscious, blocked it out as thoroughly as I could. But sex hardly exists outside the id.

After so, so many years I began to loosen up. It was like opening a valve under pressure, thousands of hidden desires, delights, flooded out. Out of pure shock, I tried to force them back in, but the waters would not be contained again.

So, in as controlled an experiment as I could, I began to test out these new cravings. Be a little more rough. She likes it, I like it... boundary pushed a little. Push it a little farther...

I began to look at the world through different eyes. With an ear open to this secret-self, everyday tasks, everyday objects, and everyday places took on a new luminescence. A beautiful little park, previously a 'nice picnic spot', would ignite fantasies of laying naked in the grass, straddled in the dark by a beautiful woman (...The sounds of not so distant cars passing nearby, their headlights flashing on us briefly. I would look up at the moonlit shadows playing over her skin as she rocked back and forth, then further up through the branches to see the stars rotating slowly overhead...)

Each confine I've tested has met with similar results, less limits. More dominance, more forceful, more explicit, more demanding, more adventurous, more duplicitous, more public... My own fortified image of myself has softened, and hardened, to make the image most ghostly and yet more full. Colors and shadows flicker across the surface while deeper, darker shapes move beneath. In the morning, I hardly recognize the face I see peer back at me. This has stopped bothering me.

More tests, more extreme, less control, more id. The view from here is extraordinary, though I can't yet see where all this is leading.

For the first time that satisfies me.


  1. I've done it on some play equipment in the playground of a primary school late one night. Some housing (not very arousing) across the street.

    I can't get over myself. I still feel guilty. D'oh!

    I am so fucking boring. Gosh, literally at times.

  2. What's to feel guilty about? :)

    We're all animals, as much as we pretend otherwise. To deny our animal side is to deny millions of years of shared growth and evolution.

    I'm starting to believe that you can't ever be happy, can't ever be whole, without understanding and to some degree embracing this side of ourselves.

  3. Yes I am (very) worried you might be right about that instinct stuff – my body seems to agree but my mind doesn’t! (Omigod! My body is one horny little bitch). However my mind wins out. I am so screwed! I can't ever fully enjoy myself where sex is concerned.

    I feel guilty about that incident because it wasn't safe sex. I was happy to do it, fuck it was my instigation, but that "Do you have a condom you more or less complete stranger?" bit never came up. Not the only time either. I will always feel guilty about that. I KNOW better but I've never been a big fan of myself so never really looked after myself. Partly shyness but for God sake this is my life I'm putting on the line (if not others too). I hate myself. :-/

    That might be all my dirty little secrets now. Oh sigh, that doesn’t feel better at all. Shit!
    Bye stranger! Take care of yourself and the ladies.

  4. Yeah, the public thing. I like that, but usually it's too damn cold where I am! lol

    It's amazing what comes out once you let that lid off, isn't it? I am only just starting to find that one out, but it's a fun learning experience so far.

    Miss Adventure, we've all done it. Forgive yourself, ok? ~But get a test, too. 99.999% says you're ok. Once you take that test, you won't do it next time, guaranteed. That wait for the results is scary.

    I'm not condoning this, but when I was growing up, I never used condoms! Very rarely. I know why not, too, same reasons. That, and the plain old thrill of taking a risk.
    But, there are other better ways to get thrills. ;-)

  5. Thanks Shaktiforce. I am pretty scared to take the test, for obvious reasons. I was always shy, so it was never a thrill and of course it made it even harder to enjoy sex at the time. I’m not sure I ever will enjoy sex. Though my other fear is that if I have got something I’ve blown my chance of possibly, maybe enjoying it with someone. (Oh and having children one day).

  6. Miss A, don't be scared of it. You'll be fine. And think how you'll feel when you know you're ok, what a weight will be lifted!! It'll change your life.

    Get out of your head, switch the mind off, try some meditation, and learn that you are not the mind. And then you'll enjoy sex a whole lot more.
    People think too much about it, it's not a thinking matter, it's a feeling matter. They're very different. You have the physical capacity to enjoy sex, that is always there. It's the mental capacity you need to work on, sister!
    Mind is something you can control, and learn to switch off, or change.

    And guilt is something that is completely up to you. You can forgive yourself, or not, that's your choice too.

  7. Thanks again Shakiforce. I tried sending an email to thank you. If you got it I hope you didn’t think I was too weird.

    You’re right on so many points. I should forgive myself but I’m not sure I can, at least until I get tested. So freaking out about that! I’ll have to pour it out on a blog post some day. Been thinking about it for ages.

    Take care and keep up the blogging.

    - Amy A.