Friday, November 20, 2009

Married Me

It might seem a little odd to hear from me but the reason I stay anonymous is so that I can be honest about what I'm thinking or feeling at that moment. I might be feeling like I'm the next Brad Pitt, or a washed up loser, or I might just be bored, but I'll write about however I'm feeling right then. You don't like it, you can fuck off. Right now I'm feeling introspective.

So last weekend was pretty rough for me.

Cat begged me to watch the kid so she could spend the time with her Boy Toy. She really likes him and he's moving a couple days after we get back from vacation. Everybody I knew was busy this weekend so I agreed.

All weekend I tried to juggle playing with my daughter, packing everything up, cleaning the house for our house sitter, and trying to stay sane. I'd clean an area and two minutes later my daughter would have pulled all her toys back out, or the cat would have knocked something off the shelves. I'd make a pile of clothes to bring and the cat would fall asleep in the middle of it, or she'd start carrying them all over the house, leaving them everywhere.

And I kept finding lingerie... Balled up between couch cushions, under the kitchen table, in the hallway. Some of it was new and some of it old stuff that should have been at the bottom of a drawer, not the top of the laundry pile.

I found myself feeling incredibly jealous, not because she was spending time with other guys (ok, maybe a little) but because of the time and energy she put into being sexy for them, impressing them.

One night a couple weeks ago I was leaving for work and she asked if Boy Toy could come over after I left. I figured he would be coming over with or without my permission, so what did it matter? She was looking through movies, opening a bottle of wine, arranging the couch, getting out some finger foods...

Fuck. I mean, the last time we watched a movie together she spend the entire time texting other dudes and hardly said two words to me. No wine, no food... definitely no lingerie.

So all weekend I was finding these articles all over the place. It really made me think about the effort that we put into each other. I mean, maybe if she had put the effort into me that she does into her other boys than we wouldn't have separated. I don't think I've seen her in lingerie in probably three years, we hardly ever spend any time together, and sex is like "ok, we have half an hour... go!" Jump into bed, get naked, get off, call it a night.

I know this is a two way street, I'm just as much to blame for the lack of romance/energy as she is, but finding all those lacy black panties definitely drove home the point.

There isn't really a chance of me and Cat going back to 'happily married', we're both too jaded, too cynical. We've been through too much together, we know each other too well. But it was enough to make me think. I mean, maybe in some similar dimension Cat and I were more comfortable together, could put the extra energy into each other instead of outside projects, and we would have been very happy.

It wouldn't have taken much...

Then she gets home Sunday night and she's happier, more smiley, bouncier than I've seen her in years. It's good to see and depressing at the same time. There's definitely no going back.

5 comments:

  1. Fight. Fight. Fight. If you think there is a chance left at all... Fight.

    Why don't men ever fight? Its all we want.

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  2. this entry makes me sad and hopeful for both me and you. things can be ridiculously confusing. i look forward to the day when things are clearer for both you AND me. take care of yourself.

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  3. It made me sad too. Like I said at the beginning of the post, I'm honest as far as I can be for the moment. Some nights after I get back from a date, I'm like "Woo hoo! Fuck being married!" and other nights when you want someone to be there for you and it's like a fifty-fifty shot sometimes. So simple and so complicated at the same time... sex, logic, and emotions... fuck...

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  4. I hear what Monique said. Fight for her if you want her. (Don't if you don't, obviously!)
    Be honest with her about how you feel, if you're that jealous. Nothing will move a woman's heart more than a confession like that..

    I myself have tested many relationships past that point of being fought for, and wished they'd passed that test. I don't know why us women do that, but I know that we do do it.

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  5. Ok... I've known Cat for close to fifteen years now and she never stops pushing the limits, testing whoever she's with... I'm f'n tired of fighting for her (especially since it never stops, and I'll never 'win' for longer than a week or two).

    Without sounding too pompous, I'm a pretty good catch and sometimes it seems like she's the one person who doesn't seem to appreciate that. Don't I deserve someone who can simply appreciate being with me? That doesn't always test me and my limits? Don't we all?

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