Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Sex Pedestal

Let's start with an exploration of the dating curve, not particularly educational to most people here (anyone reading this will pretty much understand it, subconsciously at least. Been there, done that, kind of thing) but it will help frame the rest of the post:

Whenever someone enters the dating scene, they are always looking for someone 'better' than them, someone at the same level or higher in the social hierarchy. However, we first have to establish where we are in that hierarchy. We never have an accurate image of where we place, we either lack the confidence we should have or have far too much ego and pride. So we go through a period of dating people lower on the ranks, then slowly work our way around through the rankings, up and down, until we reach a kind of balance point. Without using this kind of a feeling-out method you never know exactly where you are on the ladder. After all, the rankings are established by the group of people we hang out with, not by our own self image. Which is either a really good thing, or in some cases a really bad one.

A friend and coworker of mine, a guy I've known for years, has been going through a rough patch. At first I felt sorry for him, but it's getting more and more obvious that it's as much his own fault as it is anyone else's.

He's been married ten years, has two beautiful little girls, and has been a very good father and husband. He did absolutely everything for them, one of those guys that cheerfully 'gave up' (see last post) everything in his own life to live entirely for his family.

About two years ago his wife decided she could do better (she can't), she got all bitchy and stuck up all the sudden. I'm pretty sure at that point that she was cheating on him (She definitely was flirty, but it wasn't me! I swear!). He put up with it, on and on, until finally she decided to move back home with the girls.

By that point, he was pretty sick of her behavior and didn't argue against it. In fact, he looked at it as possibly a good thing for him. He could be single for a while, have some fun, and hopefully find a more appreciative woman. He'd always been a bit of a ladies man, not that he'd done anything about it since getting married but there'd been plenty of opportunities. I figured it wouldn't be long until he was back in the proverbial saddle.

Boy, was I wrong!

The first problem was that he hadn't been laid in a really long time, his wife hadn't put out for almost a year before she left (how he put up with THAT I don't know, I think I'd have kicked her out), so he'd developed that 'desperate aura' that women can smell a mile away.

Women have a sixth sense for guys that haven't been laid recently. The guy comes on a little strong, has that NEED in his eyes, but rather than coming across as I'm-a-hormone-driven-male-looking-to-ravage they come off as more pitiful-teenager-trying-to-get-his-dick-wet-for-the-first-time. Fortunately, there's an easy fix for the desperate aura, GET LAID! Fuck the first girl desperate enough, bored enough, or drunk enough to spread her legs for you. Problem solved. You get laid, have some fun, and it takes the edge off so picking up the next girl is easier. Unfortunately for my friend, he has a second problem:

He has 'standards'. Really, really high standards.

He thinks he's going to pick up some 22 year old bombshell that's going to worship the ground he walks on, just like he used to do before he got married ten years ago.
A: He's going on forty, and it looks like it was a hard forty years.
B: He's got plenty of baggage in the form of a broken marriage and two kids.
C: He doesn't have any money, see previous point.
D: He drives a old VW bug.
E: He's definitely overweight.
Now, he's a ladies man as I've said before, so he could probably play off all of those points except for the fact that HE HASN'T BEEN LAID IN OVER A YEAR!!! That makes it far, far harder to be all suave and nonchalant. He has that 'aura' and to women that is a big, big red flag.

Women want men that other women want. Wow, that's a bit of a tongue twister, but still true. If no other women want the guy, than obviously that guy isn't a catch. So if a guy hasn't been laid in a long, long time than he obviously isn't a catch.

You want proof? Here's some seemingly illogical logic. If a guy goes to a bar WITH a woman, he'll be hit on by more women than if he goes to that same by bar himself. Or that a married guy, goes to the bar with the ring on his finger, will get more play than a single guy. In both of those examples the guy is OBVIOUSLY a catch because they've been claimed by another woman. Therefore other women will want them because OBVIOUSLY they are worth catching and claiming, even if they have to crawl over other women to get them, maybe BECAUSE they have to climb over other women to get them.

So, single older guy with baggage goes to a bar by himself, hasn't been 'claimed' by a woman in a long, long time... he's only going to appeal to the lowest of the social hierarchy. But he thinks he's too good for that and therefore goes home alone every night. Because he goes home alone every night the women that he wants, those higher in the hierarchy, will always think they're too good for him because he must not be desirable. He doesn't get this.

Every day he loses more confidence and gets more mopey and depressed, further lowering his chances of picking anyone up. He's practically re-virginized himself. Eventually he's going to stop even trying. It's like a tragic-comedy sequel "40 Year Old Re-Virgin", only it's not funny anymore.

Hell, my skin starts to crawl when I hang out with him anymore. It's like the primal wolf-part of my brain senses the need oozing out of his every pore and worries it'll somehow rub off on me, make others question my alpha male status by hanging out with the mangy-scruffy runt of the pack. All because he has boxed himself in with 'standards'.

He just needs to fuck someone, anyone, and quick. Get it over with, pop his post-wife cherry, then he can settle down and start slowly working his way through the rankings to find something more to his liking. Has he never heard of a 'rebound girl'?

I want him to be happy but to do that he needs to be realistic and establish where he actually falls on the dating ladder before deciding what he's too good for. Even if he is good enough for the women he wants, until he gets laid they aren't going to look twice at him, they'll smell him from across the bar and start looking for the exits.


  1. humorous and insightful. maybe your friend should stumble upon your blog "accidentally." i'd be happy to help you out with that. i'm all for getting people laid.

  2. There's a lot of truth to that.

    Your friend sounds a lot like my coworker Evan, who has been single forever, is overweight, about 40, overworked and underpaid, but hell, I'd fuck him in an instant. I find him pretty hot. Why? It's certainly not his looks or status.

    He doesn't have that desperate aura.. He's just funny, sweet, intelligent, mischievous, out for a laugh, and THAT is very sexy..

    I don't really care about social status for a quick fuck, but yes, a longer term thing definitely requires social inspection is passed.

    Get your friend a joke book. Send him to some online joke sites. Seriously. ;-)

  3. Frances - I've told him all of this to his face and it didn't help. Despite being out of the dating scene for so long he thinks he has it all figured out. You'd think that his 'lack of luck' would get him to open his mind a bit but it hasn't yet. Too bad.

    Shaktiforce - He sounds a lot like Evan, he's smart, funny, and overweight in a middle age way rather than just a fat way, but he comes across as really, really desperate. I think it's the combination of being rejected by his wife and his lack of any sex, his ego is totally shot. He's like a canister under pressure. If I can pick up on it I know the women he meets definitely do too.

    I'm not sure how to help him anymore. I guess sending him good vibes is about the best I can do right now.