Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Everything or Nothing pt 1

Recent activities, or lack of activity in certain areas, has led me to a really introspective past couple of weeks, not to be mistaken for nostalgia/celebration due to the rollover into a new year.

Anyone who's kept up with here knows that I haven't been exercising my womanizing muscles (dirty thoughts anyone?) for the past couple months. I had a close call with Nikky's pissed off husband and basically blown off by Jenn. Those two things mixed in with thanksgiving vacation and a busy work schedule have resulted in a lot less adventure in my personal life. Watching Cat go through some relationship craziness over the past week has probably also helped give me pause when considering a social life again. She's more a player than me and yet still invests more emotion in each of her boyfriends, so when things go poorly (which they almost inevitably do) they go bad pretty fast.

For a while I was going a little crazy with cabin fever (otherwise known as monogamy), but that settled down and it seemed like my mind began to clear... I actually had the time and space to think about my life, my choices, my future, and I began remembering a younger version of myself.

In High School and a few years following, I sensed myself balancing on a tight rope over two chasms and became somewhat obsessed with the concept of duality. I could clearly see myself falling into a normal, in the box, monogamous, parental, boring and yet successful life. I could also see myself in a myriad of other lives, lives I was equally fascinated by, penniless traveler, altruistic volunteer, drug addict, criminal, beach bum... the list went on and on but I found myself breaking down all these possibilities into two major categories. Not to be too predictable but they became good vs. evil.

That one mind could so clearly understand and lust after all those things at once amazed me. I could feel dozens of little strings pulling me in different directions, different possibilities. It was just as desirable to be loving father as it was to be a heart-less killer. Those options and others completely appealed to different parts of my brain, my personality, and none seemed to be more desirable than others.

The problem I kept coming back to was that I wanted to do everything. I wanted to taste, to touch, every little possibility that life offered. What is it like to hold your child for the first time? What is it like to publish a book? What does it feel like to break a man's legs? What is it like to rob a bank? What thoughts go through your head, how do you feel, how does it change your life, how would you feel about yourself afterwards... And yet it's obvious that so many of these options once taken would exclude others. You can't be a soulless criminal and do peace corps on the side, or be and abusive man and a good father.

So rather than choosing something decisively, I avoided making any large decisions to avoid loosing any options. Of course, not choosing is a choice all it's own. I ended up with responsibilities, people who depend on me, and that limited plenty of possibilities. Ten years later and I still feel every single one of those strings.

Stay Tuned for Everything or Nothing pt 2


  1. You know it was just envy on my part talking. You are a good writer. :o)


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  3. I hear you. I think I felt something similar, and similarly drifted into what ever presented itself, rather than making a definite choice.

    Well, seriously, it's never really too late to make another choice, is it? I am just starting to figure that out and make more conscious choices.

    Why be either/or, sometimes you can have both, you know.