Sunday, May 15, 2011

Long, long time

So, dear Readers, it has been quite a long time since my last post. No, I haven't forgotten you, you've been in my thoughts frequently in this long interlude. Part of the reason for my delay has been work... it has been... busy. And partly I've been on a sabbatical.

I previously put out that I would be going to parts of Asia on business for a couple of months. That couple dragged into five months and just before I left I was put on notice, that as soon as I returned divorce papers would be filed. Swoon if you didn't see it coming, but I did and it wasn't that much of a shock. But it did make me think. It's one thing to know that theoretically something is happening in the future, like knowing a pregnant wife is going to give birth, another thing to get the call that she is in labor.

So I had this shock, I'm going to Asia and when I get back I'll be "officially" single again (I've acted like I was single for a long time now, if you've been reading, but this was different). She was moving out of my house and into the house of her (now long-term) boyfriend. So I left, a little emotionally confused, a little uncertain of my future...

Now, not to paint too grim a picture of the modern male, but most guys probably would have had a lot of fun in the "bath houses" once they realized they were getting divorced. And I had plenty of opportunity. For those who don't know, there is a particularly interesting tradition in some Asian countries. It would be denigrating to put it in the same category as 'prostitution' but there are 'bath houses' in which men hire women to bathe and massage them, these women are totally compliant with every whim of the men. Every whim. Think of it as prostitution to the tenth degree. To a soon-to-be-divorced man the idea of a totally subservient woman who would do ANYTHING is a nearly unimaginable concept. An incredibly appealing unimaginable concept.

And yet I declined. At first it was subconscious, then the longer it went on the harder it was to deny to myself. I was celibate. Then, after about a while I was practically re-virginized. And yet I continued despite the options.

I meditated. I slept. I worked out. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what exactly I was, who I was. Who I wanted to be. After a little while I realized that sex wasn't that big of a deal. I'm sure many of you have made the same realization. Sex is much like "love", that we're told over and over and over again is essential as air and yet it is one thing when we've never really looked at it for ourselves, come up with our own definition, decided what it means to us.

So I went over a year without sex.

It almost hurts to say that, the conscious-social reaction being that an admission like that completely changes the way that others look at you. Why is that?

But along the way I consciously decided that I wanted to go without sex, without constraints, without anyone else's opinion or influence.

I came back, the divorce was finalized without complaint by either side. I continued in the same vein. After the first couple of months it wasn't that big of a deal. I went out with a couple of women who, under the influence of culture, had a massively inflated sense of worth (due to the fact that they had a pussy). If anything, a year of not having sex has broken the illusion that pussy is a necessary commodity.

After a year of celibacy it's hard to keep a straight face when a woman tries to play you. How often do women get refused? Though, I'll tell you it drives them nuts when you do.

It sounds crazy to actively try and keep oneself away from the opposite sex, but is it really? I wanted to know what I was like when other people weren't around. I wanted to know what kinds of things I did when I actually had free time, what kinds of things I would spend money on when I didn't have a spouse or significant other looking over my shoulder. Who would I be when I wasn't attached?

Those are questions I'm still trying to answer. I think those are questions that most of us are still trying to answer. By taking out the complications, maybe we can get some answers.

I would very much like to write to you about the things I have learned. Stay tuned.

1 comment:

  1. Oh you're back! I'll have to catch up with you soon.