Thursday, November 10, 2011

So Many Things

There are so many things I need to write about and so little sobriety. I've met women, I've laid women, I've been a very bad man sometimes... but I haven't been writing much. Why, you ask. Well, mostly I've been spending too much time in a drunken stupor, railing against the inequalities perceived in life, railing against the retarded world we live in, railing against the return of the McRib (who eats that shit anyway?).

The first post of my "catching up" phase is something that brought a smile to my face and will hopefully bring one to yours.

You see, several months ago, in a moment of extreme weakness (or inebriation, I can't remember which) I signed up for a dating site online. Match, perhaps you've heard of it? I'd purchased a new phone and it came with an app for the site. You could set up an account, upload photos, set up a site, and view incredibly attractive women from the area for free. Of course, to actually use the site or communicate with anyone you had to pay some cash. I got an email from a local cutie and ended up paying 30 bucks to be able to access the email. What a scam.

I rationalized the expense as doubling my exposure. I meet women in real life and I have a dude in cyber space constantly trolling for women. Win-win, right?

Well, after a couple months I only met two women. Both were equally insane, one a more obvious insane and the other a more subtle, lying in wait, kind of insane. Neither were worth my time. I'm not stupid enough to fall for most of their crap. Believe me, Cat was an extremely competent manipulator and all of these other pretenders were extremely laughable in comparison.

So, today I canceled my membership to Match. There was a section you had to fill out to complete the cancellation, part of which was a justification and another part which was 'how do we improve our services'. I absolutely couldn't help myself, I had to tell them what I thought.

The first block was 'Why are you leaving?' It included things like 'I met someone' or 'I can't afford membership' or 'I haven't met anyone interesting'... that kind of stuff. The last option was 'other' and included a blank text block to fill out. This was my response to 'other':

"I'm becoming a monk because all women are crazy. They say there's a million fish in the sea, but in reality there are so few edible ones that they're in really high demand. If women are resorting to dating sites than they are obviously having issues meeting good guys, therefor they are in the majority of crazy women. Even worse, most guys will put up with crazy for an attractive woman. So, if they are resorting to dating sites than they are obviously crazy and/or unattractive. Those are the two options for us guys online; lots of crazy and hot, less crazy and ugly. Low supply = high demand, further proving that psychosis is all too common in women, over-inflating the value of any half-way decent females."

I thought I was done at that point but the next page had another blank text block. It was a 'tell us more' section. Up to a thousand words, hmmm...
"As listed in the previous block; all women are crazy. What you need to do is advertise to the stupid, lonely, hopeless people (which I suppose you do already). Get them to sign up, and because it'll never work out for them, they'll keep paying. Obviously, you have a vested interest in not finding connections, or at least dragging it out for a few months, otherwise you don't get paid. So, you really need the stupid, lonely people to sign up, they're dumb enough to believe in online dating and willing to keep paying for the service. Any of the smarter people (I barely consider myself in this category, I've given you far too much money to be very intelligent) will realize that single women are single for a reason, they're ugly or crazy. I would rather circumcise myself with fingernail clippers than get seriously involved with any of the women I've met through your site (which I'm presuming is a fairly accurate cross section of the female presence in online dating). Yeah, not paying any more."

Yes, those are the actual responses I sent to them. I edited a misspelled word or two but otherwise they're unchanged. At the very least I figure some IT guy will get a laugh out of it when they're reading the responses for the month. Otherwise, it'll just get tossed without review and maybe a couple of you will get a laugh out if it. Logical, economically accurate, and yet still amusing. Sometimes I amaze myself. And sometimes I disappoint myself, ie. signing up for some crap website in the first place.

Chive on.

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