Saturday, August 18, 2012

Back in the Proverbial Saddle

So, I'm back in the States now after my jaunt overseas.  Nothing much interesting happened, far too much work and far too little play for Johnny.  There are a couple of quick stories that I'll probably share later: the gorgeous one that got away at the Irish bar, the hot-ass stripper that ripped me off in the Eastern block... nothing that can't wait until a bored, drunken evening later on.

I get back to the states and I'm staying with a buddy.  I don't really like staying with my buddies, despite the fact that they are buddies, it always annoys me not to have my own space.  Beating off in another guy's shower just doesn't seem right.

Anyway, so a couple of nights ago I get on Craigslist to look for an apartment.  I find a couple of promising looking ads and write down the numbers to call in the morning, I'm bored, and decide to look over some of the personal ads.  It's sad, I know, but it's like an adult writer's muse, there's always something to inspire the internal word smith and/or internal womanizer.

I read through a dozen or so personal ads and was severely disappointed.  Here is a generalization of every single female post:

"Men suck, so you probably suck, and you shouldn't contact me.  Looking for a REAL man, hot, wealthy, and will take care of me (and my baby) for the occasional BJ.  Send me a pic and maybe I'll send one back."

And most of these ads had some sort of generic image added to the bottom, some cliche artsy picture of a flower, or a cliche man-hating phrase super in-posed on a cliche artsy picture of a flower, just so that us guys would click on the ad hoping to see an actual photo of the woman.  The nerve.

The writing was all third grade level, the grammar was terrible, and absolutely none of them came even close to making me want to reply to the ad.  These women seriously need to learn to sell themselves better or they're going to be single forever.  Well, unless they put out easily, but you get the point.

Obviously, I needed to mock them.

So, I wrote an ad of my own, totally mocking all the other posts, and put a clip art photo of a hot dog down at the bottom.  I mean, I went all out, writing about how if they hadn't gotten pregnant in High School maybe they would have learned a few lessons on how to write.  After all, how hard is it for a decent woman to get a date?  If she's half way attractive, half way intelligent, than it should be like shooting fish in a barrel, yet these women were managing to totally fuck it up.

Did I expect any replies?  Yes, I figured there would be dozens of bots that would be happy to spam my inbox.  Did I expect any real women to reply?  No.  How many real women actually check CL?  How many reply to obviously facetious personal ads with a paragraph extolling amazing sexual prowess and an attached photo of a hot dog? Actually, a surprising number do.

After wading through the replies I ended up with three very attractive responses.  Who knew?  I was more surprised than anyone.  I was just having some fun but apparently fun CL ads catch the eye of intelligent, bored women.

Right now I'm taking a break from emailing three promising fish I've hooked.  I figure if even one of them works out than I'm happy, if two work out than I have a good couple of blog posts out of it, and if all three... well, I have plenty of experience in juggling women.

Yes, fair, intelligent readers, this fall is starting look much, much more promising.  First thing I'm putting in the new apartment?  The red Christmas lights and the bed.

Don't worry, I'll be telling you all about it, because Johnny is back in the saddle.

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