Sunday, February 3, 2013

Going a little crazy

It feels like everyone has abandoned this little corner of the US.  I used to have quite a few friends and family that all lived nearby.  I didn't lead a very active social life (or at least not for a while now), but I was always checking in on someone or they were checking up on me.

 I lost my job with the firm and started looking for another job.  And miraculously, a good job fell into my lap.

Then, one by one, everyone else left.  My family left because of work, my friends moved back 'home', my exes left for different reasons, but in the end they all left.

So, here I am in this good new job, in a town that doesn't seem so friendly any more.

Within a few months I had become a hermit.  Sitting alone in my tiny apartment, drinking too much, and watching too much bad TV.  I stopped working out, I stopped doing anything except work, eat, sleep, and drink.  I lost all momentum in my life.  What was the point of doing anything else?

After a few more months and I started to realize that I was starting to lose my mind.

With no people around there were no obligations, no appointments to keep, no dates to make, nothing.  If it wasn't for work there would have been no reason to wake up in the morning.  The only reason I took even the simplest forms of care for myself was because I had this good job that I didn't want to lose.  I hesitate to think how bad I would have been if I hadn't had this job.

I realized that I needed to do something.

Unfortunately, I had no idea what to do.  Sure, it's easy to say "do things differently" but when all the momentum in your life is going the wrong direction it's difficult to just stop and change everything.  And again, I had no obligations, no time lines, no people or reasons to change.  It's like telling an obese person to just "eat less".  It's never that simple.

That's when it became obvious to me that the people around us reinforce our behavior.  If you want to get fit, hang out with people who lead fit lifestyles.  You want to get smarter, hang out with people who will reinforce behavior towards getting smarter.  If there aren't any people around, there's nothing to influence our behavior one way or the other.  In my case, with no one to reinforce a normal lifestyle I slipped into nothingness.

Then I got a call from an acquaintance asking me what I was doing this weekend.  Any other time I would have politely declined, I'm not into "hanging out with the guys" to watch football.  This time though, I jumped at the chance.  I needed to be around people.

It turns out that this acquaintance's wife was looking for single guys to introduce to her friend from work.  The friend was a very cute, in the young librarian kind of way, as though she probably had no idea how cute she was.  Surprisingly, she was also fairly intelligent.  She was about 25 and probably 5'5, 110 pounds, dark haired, and had a cutesy little nose piercing.

She gave me some hope in the female species.  I would have been very interested in seeing her again, she was definitely my type.

However, through our back and forth I could read through the lines that she was a lot younger than the five years of difference between our ages.  She wanted excitement, someone to sweep her off her feet, she wanted the "50 Shades of Gray" romance.

Those kinds of beliefs and expectations are something I consider immature.  Those are the things dreamed about by high school students and inspire romantic fiction.  As we age, and those sweeping and romantic relationships fail, we start looking for a more mature situation.  We want something low-key, mutual respect, independence, a working partnership that will last.  We trade "excitement" for "consistent".

It's too bad, I should have given her my number and told her to call me in a few more years.

So, I'm not sure how successful my foray back into normal society went.  On one hand, it was nice to be among the land of the living for a while, on the other hand it was another disappointment with women.  I'm back to my hope that by the time I reach my 40's the maturity of the women in that age range will be better.

As I see it, the lack of other people and responsibilities has removed all of the artificial boundaries in my head, the good and the bad.

And so, I'm going to make more of an effort in the coming days.  We'll see how it goes.

No comments:

Post a Comment