Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Manly Attributes

After the GQ cover and the hipster wedding, I've decided that I should do a little writing about what I think constitutes a "Man".  In our modern culture many traditionally male characteristics and activities are looked at with disdain.  A guy these days says he wants to go hunting and half the people in his life look at him like he's a bloodthirsty nut.  Meat comes from the supermarket.  Man says he wants to learn to box or wrestle and people will think he's some middle-aged UFC-wannabe.  For many years boys were taught to tie knots, hunt, box, shoot, stand up for themselves, be assertive... Yeah, a parent that did that these days would be looked at like they're crazy.  Instead, boys are taught how to watch bad TV shows, be quiet, be safe, play nice, be inoffensive, and how to use an Xbox controller.  When did it become a bad thing to teach a boy to be a "man"?

Listed below are a lot of attributes, skills, and characteristics that I think all men should have.  If you're a man and you're missing any of these qualifications, I would seriously recommend rectifying the situation.  You won't find this list in any magazine, this is pure Johnny Id, and if you're looking for some metrosexual bullshit go find a GQ instead.  Or watch some cable TV.

Manly Attributes:
  1. Real men don't wear pink.  (No excuses, no pink.  I'm serious.)
  2. Has been camping and knows rudimentary outdoor skills, ie. can tie a knot.
  3. Doesn't wear skin tight anything unless they're actively working out (gym, pool, cycling, etc.)
  4. Doesn't shave their body hair (trimming and upkeep is ok, but completely shaved arms, legs, chest or balls is not manly (only exception would be competitive swimmers).
  5. Doesn't drink fruity cocktails.  (A special occasion drink every once and a while is ok, but on an average night it's beer, liquor, or a mixed drink with no more than three ingredients.  Jack and coke is ok, Jack straight up is better.)
  6. Has at least one tattoo (if you're scared of the pain you're probably playing for the wrong team).
  7. Regularly participates in some sort of physical activity.
  8. Knows at least the basics of shooting and firearm maintenance.
  9. Has at least one nice suit in the closet and can dressed up when the situation requires it.
  10. Treats women properly, with respect (you don't have to be some white knight, but it's only polite to open the door for her).
  11. Doesn't shave on the weekends or when it's not required (basic maintenance ok, but a constant baby-face is not manly)
  12. Knows how to throw a punch and isn't afraid to.
  13. A real man pays for dinner.  Unless he's married or in a LTR, he always pays.  Always.
  14. Has some muscles (you don't need to be a crossfit gym-rat but if you have to ask your girlfriend to open a jar for you there's a problem).
  15. Defends his woman (physically, mentally, in every way.  It's not chauvinistic, it's realistic.  Your woman needs to have some confidence that you are willing and able to stand up for her or the relationship isn't going to last long).
  16. Has a current Man Card (if you have to ask you don't deserve one).
  17. Doesn't own a poodle, or a dog under 20lbs (lighter than 20lbs and it's not a dog, it's a rodent).
  18. Has fucked at least one fat chick and can smile pleasantly at the memory.
  19. Most of his exes remember him with a smile.
  20. Has played at least one team sport in his lifetime.
  21. If he likes blowjobs (what guy doesn't) than he returns the favor when appropriate.
  22. Relaxes when he can but acts decisively when needed.
  23. Holds down a job (basic but necessary)
  24. Is honest and loyal to friends, family, and work (and girlfriend/wife if that needs to be specified).
And there's probably a few other things I'm forgetting, but those should be a good start.  Further recommendations welcome, I'll add them to the list if they're stamped  "Johnny" approved.


  1. lol...ok now that was a funny post...

  2. It's only funny because so many of those traits are lacking these days. Though whether that makes this post funny or sad I leave up to you.