Sunday, October 6, 2013

I'm a Rapist

Disclaimer: Yes, I chose that title deliberately.  And no, it is not my intent to lessen the impact of rape or try to say that it's not that big of a deal.  I'm just trying to put a male perspective on an issue that is not as cut and dry as it is portrayed.

Yes, I'm a rapist.  Most men probably are, depending of course on what your definition of "rape" is.  I've got a couple aspects that I'd like to explore.

Recently, there was a study done in basically the rape-capitals of the world, a group of not-quite first world countries around Asia.  The study's authors (mostly women from what I heard) were pretty amazed at the high statistics of rape and the cavalier attitudes of the men involved.

One of those questions was "Have you ever had sex with a woman who said "no"?  That sounds like a pretty straight forward question, right?  I sat in my car and thought, "wow, of course you should never have sex with a woman who says no".  Right?  That seems so black and white.  But then I thought about it some more and realized that... I've had sex with a woman who said no.  Probably a few times.

Of course, that woman was my wife at the time.  I was interested and she wasn't.  She said no, I kept pushing and pushing and pushing.  Then she was either so irritated or whatever that she let me lay her down and spread her legs (I would like to point out that if my Wife at the time had been dead set against set against sex than I wouldn't have forced her, and there were times when she successfully said "no").  I have a feeling that most men in relationships have probably had similar experiences at some point in time.

Is that rape?  Yes, and kind of no.  I'd say it's a gray area, depending on the situation and the relationship.  But if I was doing that questionnaire than I'd be in their rapist statistic.  That's a little creepy to think about.  Literally, my wife could have brought me up on rape charges.   Does that mean most men in relationships are rapists?

The other example is from work.  We had this training to prevent sexual assault and rape.  It was really scary too because essentially, any man can be charged with rape if the woman is even slightly inebriated and if there hasn't been express consent given ahead of time (preferably in writing, it actually said to get it in writing if possible).  Which means that anytime a man that has consensual sex with a woman after a drink or two, she can bring him up on charges if she changes her mind the next morning.

Rape is a very one-sided situation in the US (so is domestic violence, if you ask me).  I had a male friend who was raped at a party one time.  He was totally messed up by it, it took him weeks to talk to me about it, and what could he do?  He's a guy, he was drunk and stoned, what are the cops going to do about it?  Laugh at him?  And it really messed him up, especially since there was nothing he could do about it.

So, rape is not always a clear cut situation, yet legally the man is always, ALWAYS liable.  This means that maybe the guy doesn't even recognize the questionable situation but he's on the hook for a rape charge.  And that's not even talking about statutory rape, where a 19 year old guy hooks up with a 16 year old at a party and can be brought up for rape.

Just some things to think about.

1 comment:

  1. I just came across your blog and I found this post interesting. It's a point of view that often gets cut off before fully articulated because of its sensitive issue. Personally I think what can legally be considered rape is a bit of a joke, and is insulting to anyone who has actually been raped. Yes, it is a serious issue, but I think sometimes people are hurting the cause more than helping it with the way it is often portrayed in the media. When women start crying rape like the boy cried wolf it just can't be taken as seriously.