Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Art of Seduction #3

Alright, so you’ve sent the girl of your dreams a photo of your cock (The Art of Seduction pt 1).  You’ve sent her an amazing first email (The Art of Seduction pt 2).  Excellent, you’re well on your way to meeting the woman of your dreams.
After that first email, the two of you exchanged a few more until you decided that it’s time to meet in person.

awkward
This is a critical time, you’ve gotten her interest piqued but you really need to make a good first impression.  She liked your cock shot, she liked your emails, so she’s hooked but you can still screw this up if you don’t follow some simple guidelines.
The first rule of dating is not “don’t talk about dating”, it’s brush your fucking teeth.  Before anything else, choosing your best sexy wear, before choosing a romantic location, before sticking the expired condom in your wallet, if you don’t have amazing breath you will never hit first base.  And first base is important because if you’re good you can steal second and maybe third before she catches on.
Ok, you brushed your teeth, now it’s time to get dressed.  Wear clothes that are age appropriate, fit properly, and most importantly don’t represent any of the various gangs in your area.  I mean, how embarrassing would that be if the two of you show up in rival gang colors?  So, neutral colors like black and gray are advisable.
While laying out your options for evening wear, consider the location where you will be meeting.  For example, don’t wear a tuxedo if you’re taking her bowling.  However, if you are taking her to the zoo and you know she likes penguins, a tuxedo would be appropriate.  Otherwise a polo shirt, or a nice button down shirt, and decent pants are usually a safe bet.
Another aspect of your clothing should be how quickly you can remove it.  Removal time is important because if she hints that you might get lucky you can get naked before she has time to change her mind.  Pull out your stop watch and time how long it takes to get completely nude in each of the outfits you are considering.  Choose the clothes that are the easiest and fastest to remove.  There are various retailers that sell male “stripper clothes”, equipped with fast release seams made with Velcro.  These might be preferable, if available, because they are designed for quick and easy removal.
Don’t dress like a hipster.  Don’t do it.  It might be popular in your area but when your grandchildren are looking at the photos of the night you and Grandma met, you don’t want them to start laughing uncontrollably, “What the fuck is up with that mustache, Grandpa!”
To follow the previous point, shave before your date.  No woman is going to want to make out with a guy who’s face feels like sand paper.  Either go full-Man with a beard, or go baby faced.
Before your date do a little manscaping.  God, I hate that term but it’s so overwhelming I can’t find another term that you guys will understand (and it was used in Californication, which gives it some credibility).  Just like your face, no woman is going to want to suck your dick if she needs a head-lamp and a pith helmet to find it.  And who wants a mouthful of pubes?  Hopefully you don’t.  I mean, I know I don’t, but maybe you’re a creep like that.
A few more “Don’ts”:  Don’t wear socks with sandals.  Don’t wear sandals with pants (Bro, it’s either hot or cold, not both).  Don’t wear your sport jacket with patches on the elbows because you think it makes you look smarter.  Don’t wear your High School Letterman jacket if you aren’t in high school.  Don’t wear a shirt with a photo of a sexy woman or an alcoholic product on the front (on the back is OK).  Don’t wear a tie with a polo shirt, it doesn’t make you look rich, it makes you look dumb.  Unless it’s Halloween, don’t wear a costume (put Spidey back in the closet, I don’t care how good it makes your package look).
A few more “Dos”: Wear a shirt and pants that match, or at least don’t clash (No stripes and plaid).  Wear clean, unwrinkled clothes (if you pulled it out of the laundry hamper put it back).  Wear underwear.  More specifically, wear underwear that you don’t mind someone else seeing (ie. clean, no holes, no stains, no cartoon characters, etc.).
Just like brushing your teeth is important, shower before your date.  Then put on some Deodorant.  Cologne or aftershave is not necessary, but if you decide to use some, don’t use too much.
Now, you’re ready for your big date!
pink-suit
Ok, did I forget to mention pink?  Shit, I did.  Don’t wear pink.  Wait, I need to be more specific.  If you are a white guy, don’t wear pink.  For some reason everyone else can pull off pink, but white guys can’t.  Actually, avoid any pastel colors.  Again, everyone else can pull off pastels but white guys can’t.  Life’s not fair, I know.
Now you’re ready for your big date.  Don’t forget your wallet (that’s where you keep your condoms)!

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