Wednesday, July 9, 2014

A Closed Relationship

Ok, ladies.  You wanted honesty after my last post, here you go:
So, after only a month or so of being in our open relationship Ann and I have decided to close it.
I originally suggested the open relationship because Ann and I were still pretty new and being monogamous in a long distance relationship can be problematic.  Ann is also freshly out of her Marriage, so she’s a lot closer to her “sowing wild oats”  phase than I am.  Forcing her to be monogamous so early in the relationship would have been a terrible idea, especially since she so quickly enjoyed the benefits of being open after our trip together.
So, we tried out being open, but it was obviously creating friction between Ann and I when I used my benefits (which should be pretty apparent if you’ve read her blog over the past few days).
For me, being in a closed relationship is fairly easy since I’ve been divorced for years already.  I had my fun, now my sex drive waxes and wanes depending on my partner, no good partner means very little sex drive.  Good partner and we can fuck for days on end.  So, only having sex every 3-4 months when Ann and I see each other shouldn’t be a problem for me.
And yet… I’m more nervous for our relationship now than I was before.
Ann wrote that going closed was like lifting a weight off her back, for me it’s the opposite. We’ve just doubled the risk in our relationship and halved the reward.
monogamy s
(Monogamy… yeah, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel… it’s just a really long, dangerous road to get there)
You see, one of the reasons that I like the idea of an open relationship is it gives us a lot of flexibility.  Ann could do just about anything she wanted, so could I, and that was totally okay (for me, at least).  We committed mentally to each other but physically we could do absolutely anything and still be solid together.
It’s hard to break the rules in a relationship when there aren’t very many.  In an open relationship, don’t neglect me and be honest… that’s about it.  Only a couple rules, pretty easy to follow them.  Whereas in a closed relationship there are a lot more rules.  Now, there are lots of things we can’t do, lots of ways we could fuck it up.
Let’s say I get drunk at a work party and end up making out with a coworker.  Not likely to happen, but we’re playing the “What If…” game now.  In the open relationship I would have told Ann and it might have been weird but not that big of a deal.  But in the closed relationship, there’s a hesitation… I have to decide whether to tell her or not… whether it’s worth the risk of violating the rules and being honest.
Let’s take it a step further, we know that Ann has a big problem thinking of me with another woman, what if I slept with that coworker (even less likely)?  In the open relationship I would undoubtedly tell her and suffer the fallout, but I wouldn’t have broken any rules.  In the closed relationship, it would destroy her, I would have broken the rules and possibly lost her forever… or I could just not tell her. Do I tell her and destroy her or keep my mouth shut about the mistake?
That’s the problem with monogamy, that hesitation over whether or not to tell the other person.  Honesty is such an important part of every relationship but the more rules you impose on the relationship the more difficult it becomes to be honest and not fuck everything up.  All the rules need to be followed or irreversible harm is done to the relationship.
This is particularly difficult for me on the receiving end of the relationship.  I’ve been lied to and cheated on before, it was fucking horrible.  Before Cat and I went into our open relationship she cheated on me constantly.  She was always lying, always sneaking around, and it was probably the worst years of my life.  I couldn’t trust her, I felt completely powerless and emasculated…
And I swore I would never be in that situation again.  Never.  I deserve someone that I can trust completely and doesn’t take me for granted.
In the open relationship, it would be nearly impossible for Ann to lose me.  As long as she’s open, honest and doesn’t neglect me than that was all I needed.
In a closed relationship, I’m going to be 100% committed to her, completely honest and monogamous.  And I expect the same in return.  If she cheats or lies… that’s the ball game folks,  I refuse to be in that situation again.
Now, she knows this… which means if she slips up is she going to tell me or is she going to keep it to herself?  If she’s upfront and honest about it afterwards, that would be extremely difficult for me… I would have a really hard time trusting her after that because of my previous experience with a cheater.  But if she lies about it and I find out later… nuclear bombs would go off in my head.  Fucking done.  That’s it.  No question about it.
So, switching to a closed relationship might make Ann feel better, knowing that I’m not going to sleep around again… but for me we just stepped into my mental mine field.  One fuck up and BOOM!  We’ve just drastically lowered our odds of this working out long term.
How’s that for honesty?

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