Sunday, July 6, 2014

Worst Sex ever

There’s a common misconception that any sex is good sex for men.  That’s definitely not true.  Guys might be easier to please in the bedroom but there is definitely such a thing as bad sex for us too.
When I was in college I played in a couple decent, local bands.  There was this one chick that was a regular in the music scene, she was at every single show no matter who was playing.  She was a cute but ditsy.  Kind of a hippy chick that always seemed stoned and dancing, but her most notable characteristic was an amazing ass that she displayed in tight pants.  She was a cool and laid back but I never spent much time with her.  We’ll call her Sarah for this post.
One night, I was at the college library.  It was a week night and late so there weren’t many people there.  About midnight, Sarah walks in.  She comes over and sits at a computer next to me.
She tells me that she was just dropped off by a student friend and was looking for a ride to her parent’s house.  What a coincidence, I had a car and had just finished studying.  I agreed to give her a ride… though I hoped that there would be some riding going on inside the car too.
We drove out of town toward the rural area where she lived.  Half way out there was a deserted lot, a road that dead-ended in the woods that I had used for previous late night encounters.  I convinced her to “hang out” with me for a while out there.
We started making out in my small car, hot and heavy.  She wasn’t a great kisser, but I was willing to forgive that when she let my hands get frisky.  I took off her shirt and played with her perky breasts.  I ran my hands all over her body, the soft skin of her stomach.
She pushed up off the seat a bit and let me slide down her pants.  She was wearing some cutesy, floral print panties.  She spread her legs and I started fingering her over the fabric.  She was already wet, I could feel her soaking through the cloth.  She started moaning and rolling her hips to match my fingers.
After a few minutes we untangled ourselves and I rapidly stripped down.  I watched her slide off her panties and look at me with steam in her eyes.  I pulled a condom out, slid it on and we started the frustrating process of trying to get situated in the confines of the car.
worst sex 2 s
I ended up sitting on the passenger seat while she tried to get positioned over me.  She had to rearrange her knees a couple times but managed to slide down onto me.
Even with the condom on, as far as my 20 year old mind was concerned I was in heaven.  Hot naked chick, my cock inside her… what could be better than that?
Heaven lasted about three seconds, until she started trying to move.
It was awful.  It was like listening to a beautiful symphony and then suddenly half the instruments go out of tune.
I’m not trying to make fun of people that have diseases or genetic issues that cause problems with muscle control, but it was kind of like trying to have sex with Michael J. Fox.  She twitched, she rocked, she shuffled… she had no rhythm, nothing.
Now, I’d seen her dancing at dozens of shows, so I knew she was a coordinated, sexy woman… but once she was out of her clothes she was totally uncoordinated, with no clue how to move and was so out of rhythm that I wanted to slap her.  Remember, I was a musician, rhythm was everything.
1, 2… … 3… 4, 1… 2, 3… 4… 1, 2, 3…  … 4 … …
What the fuck was she doing?  What was this?  Was this a practical joke or something?  How is it possible to be totally un-rhythmic?
I tried to play it off, convince her to change positions.  We tried everything but in my tiny car there really wasn’t any way to get comfortable unless she was on top.  I didn’t even have a back seat.  Knees were jammed against doors, the steering wheel got in the way, the ceiling was too low… and it was too cold to get out of the car.
Her pussy was awesome… but everything attached to it seemed to be actively working against us having sex.  I couldn’t believe what was happening, how it was possible.
So we sat next to each other and I tried fingering her.  She told me not to bother, she couldn’t get off without a vibrator.  She offered a hand job, but with her lack of muscle control I was worried she might rip it off.
Sex wasn’t working, she couldn’t get off , no hand job and she wouldn’t consider giving oral.
So… uh, yeah.  What now?
Well, it was getting late.
We awkwardly got dressed, both of us sexually frustrated and I drove her home.  We didn’t say much during the drive.  There was no kiss good night, she just waved and hopped out of the car.  I was relieved.
Over the next year I saw her at a few concerts but we never bothered hanging out again.
I had never realized exactly how bad sex could be until I was with her.  The only upside is that now I truly appreciate it when I have a good partner… I know what it’s like when I don’t.
It also made me appreciate larger vehicles.

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