Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Cock blocked by my dog

COCK BLOCKED BY MY DOG

Ok, I’ll admit the title is a slight exaggeration but it’s a lot more catchy than the alternatives I came up with.  You’ll see what I mean.
Most dogs are like chick magnets, you take them for a walk and suddenly you’re the most popular guy on the block.  My dog is a mid-sized terrier, super cute and friendly… but she’s straight up chick repellent.
Three or four times a day I take the dog on long walks around the neighborhood.  Everybody does it so it shouldn’t be an issue, right?  And yet, somehow it always is.
You see, my dog has this fantastic sixth sense for the most socially awkward time to do her business.  We’re walking through an empty, deserted area… she doesn’t have to go.  As soon as we’re standing in front of a nice couple having a beer on their patio?  She’s suddenly struck by the insatiable urge to do her business.  I’m standing there, holding the leash, and trying to pretend I’m not being glared at.  Then I do the proper thing, pick up after her, and we make our way home.  I can feel the couple’s eyes burning holes in the back of my head the rest of the way down the block.
my dog s
(My exhibitionist dog)
It’s like clockwork, she knows exactly the wrong time and takes full advantage of the opportunity.
Yesterday, we were out walking and this nice sports car pulled up to the curb in front of us.  Inside this pretty car is a very attractive young woman.
My dog stops ten feet in front of the car, ensuring the woman inside has a perfect view, and takes a squat.  I try desperately to ignore the wide eyed, surprised and disgusted look on the woman’s face as she exits the car and walks quickly to her building.
Seriously, dog?  What the fuck?  Couldn’t have gone five minutes earlier?  Or later?  You just had to stop and give this woman a fucking show?
Now, I’m in a relationship with Ann so it wasn’t like I was going to chat this chick up, but nobody likes being in an embarrassing situation.  Especially an embarrassing situation in front of an attractive member of the opposite sex.
Is it possible to litter train a fucking dog?  Of course, my dog would wait until I had company over before using the litter box.
“Eeeew, what’s that smell?”
“Oh, I have a very large cat.”
“All I see is a dog.”
“Yeah…”

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