Saturday, September 13, 2014

One Lovely Blog Award

I’m going to take a brief break from all of my Visiting Ann posts to do something a little different.  Don’t worry, there are still plenty of fun stories from the trip and they’ll all get posted soon.  I just need a few short moments to acknowledge an award, Johnny Id style.
While “lovely” is not a word I would ever use to describe Id’s Redbook, because I was nominated by the wonderful Ann St. Vincent I will graciously accept the award.  Well, “gracious” is another word I wouldn’t use to describe this blog, maybe “ludicrous”, “ridiculous”, or “harmful for persons under the age of 21″?  However, because it is the amazing Ann I will try to accept as “graciously” as I can.
I was nominated by Ann in her post I now have a Lovely Blog Award.  Yes, the nomination was put up quite a while ago but I’ve been otherwise occupied -with Ann- until now, so hopefully she’ll forgive me.  I could have spent more time online while I was with her but somehow I think delaying the post was the appropriate solution.
There are a few guidelines for accepting this award (that I have stolen from her post):
1. Thank the person who nominated you for the award.
2. Display the One Lovely Blog Award on your blog.
3. Share 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 bloggers you admire and let them know by commenting on their blog.

1)  Thank you, Ann!  You know how much I love these kinds of awards, they give me an unadulterated excuse to mock, ridicule, and make a general ass of myself.  Yeah, I think these things are kind of silly but with the right attitude they can be a whole lot of fun too.  If you’ve read my Leibster Award post, you know what I mean.  I don’t really need an excuse for any of that, I do it on a daily basis, but it gives me a topic to riff on (though I burned up all my penis jokes in the previous award speech).
2)  As the “One Lovely Blog Award” image does not fit with the feng shui of my blog, I have designed my own version (much like I did for the Leibster award) and placed it in my widgets.  It’s an excuse to display my impressive artistic abilities.
lovely blog award 3
(I am a master of Microsoft Paint)
I think that’s a little bit more to this blog’s flavor.  For all of my nominees, you can use this image instead of the one at the top of the page.  Royalties will be minor.  Probably.
3) Share seven things about myself.  I’m really tempted to just copy and paste my answers from the Liebster Award but I’ve decided it is more amusing, for me, to try and come up with answers that are brand new and just as ridiculous.  So, here are a few new things about me:
1. Ladies, I always put the toilet seat down.  Yup, I’m that good.  It comes from growing up in a house hold full of women, I was outnumbered and had to conform.
2. I’m literally naked while writing this.  Didn’t feel like getting dressed today, even though it isn’t Thursday, so I’m blogging nude.  My beer belly is actually resting on the keyboard right now. vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv   How’s that for a mental image?
3. I now have 8 tattoos after my trip with Ann and have a list of others that I want.  By the time I die at a ripe old age of 143 I will probably rival “The Tattooed Man” from those old carnivals.
4. If I die before I’m 143, undoubtedly due to mano a mano combat with Sasquatch, I want all my friends and family to have a huge party, get wasted, tell horrible stories about me and celebrate my life.  I want to either be cremated and scattered across a beautiful landscape or in a woman’s college locker room.  If neither of those options are workable, I want to be buried sans coffin on a hillside and have a tree planted over me.  A plaque should be placed on said tree that says “I’m back, bitches!”
5. I have a mostly fool-proof zombie survival plan.  If I can avoid the initial outbreak of whatever causes people to turn into zombies, airborne disease or aliens, the zombies themselves will only be a minor hindrance to my survival.  I have a good stock of water and freeze dried food.  I also have a fairly large selection of firearms, which I’m well versed in using.  Whether it be zombies or boarding up in the house to avoid the shopping season, I’m ready.
6. I have three guitars in my tiny apartment right now, each with an identifying sticker.  My old acoustic has a tiny rhinoceros sticker near the bridge.  I’m not sure why the sticker is there, the guitar was a hand-me-down from one of my older sister’s boyfriends many years ago.  My newer acoustic has a tribal killer whale on it, a reminder of where it was purchased when I was on vacation.  And finally, my old telecaster has a sticker for a radio station that I modified to say “Funky Monkey” under the strings.  That was my go-to guitar when I was playing in bands… longer ago than I care to think about.  I actually don’t remember putting that sticker on it.  Seriously, I pulled the telly out a while ago and had a WTF? moment.  Drugs and alcohol will do that to you.
7. I have a large painting that I did hanging my living room.  I painted it in college where I was going through a phase of incorporating subtle sexual images into nature scenes (shhhh, don’t tell anyone).  The foreground is a gently sloping plain of snow, there are two soft hills in the distance, and a line of trees between.  It doesn’t look sexual and no one would ever think it was until I pointed it out.  The basic structure is a woman lying down, looking down at her body.  The soft plane is her belly, the two “hills” are her knees, spread.
sex painting
No, I’m not going to post a photo of the painting, anyone who knows me has seen the fucking thing, it’s hanging in my living room.  That’s just a basic sketch so you can see the layout of the design, the actual painting is pretty sweet if I say so myself.  And notice the moon, centered over the vagina?  Yeah, I was in college, cut me some slack.  Okay, okay, so I’m still obsessed with pussy, deal with it.
4) Nominate 15 bloggers you admire and let them know by commenting on their blog.
Ok, nominate 15 other 
 bloggers?  15?!?!  Holy shit!  What is this, are we starting a fucking football team or something?  15 is ridiculous!  And I have to “admire” them? That would make this “award” the equivalent of some kind of online chlamydia, spreads like wild fire and annoys the shit out of your friends.
How about five?  Will the world end if we compromise at five?  No?  Good.
Wait, I’m not sure I know five bloggers that I “admire” that haven’t already gotten this award.  Will blogs I “don’t hate” work?
Here’s five blogs, that I don’t hate, that are my 
 nominations for One Lovely Blog Award (I did briefly glance through your blogs  to try and see if you’ve already been “awarded” and didn’t see it.  Just ignore me if you hate awards or have already received this one):
All jokes aside, these are all really good blogs that will hopefully have as much fun with the award as I have.

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