Monday, September 29, 2014

Retroactive Conversion

I had a long phone call with Ann the other night.  We're still sorting through injuries, it's kind of hard to see the forest for the trees right now but we're talking.

We were trying to figure out why everything was fine then suddenly wasn't.  I went from 0-60 almost immediately.  There wasn't any build up, where did it come from?  There weren't any warning signs, it was like the ground just dropped out from under my feet.

I didn't communicate better because it caught me off guard as much as it did her.  So, we're trying to understand it.

Basically, I was completely fine with where we were until she went out with another guy (do I need to remind you that it's not about sex?).   There were a hundred little things over the previous month but I was okay with them, they were completely understandable and acceptable at the time.  I thought we had a solid foundation, rationale, and everything made sense.  Then, suddenly it didn't.

Why didn't I tell her I was feeling neglected beforehand?  Because until that moment I didn't feel neglected.  A switch got flipped that I didn't even know was there.

A few examples:
Ann has a crazy work schedule and she just became a single mother.  She's busy, busy, busy and doesn't have much time to spend with me- totally understandable and justifiable.  I'm okay with that...  Until she made time for someone else.  In one moment all those understandable things over the past month got converted into pain and resentment.  She made time for someone else but hadn't made time for me.

I went out of my way for her dozens of times to try and make her feel special and loved.  She was really busy and stressed and didn't have much time and energy to go out of her way for me- totally understandable and justifiable.  I'm okay with that...  Until she went out of her way for another guy.  In one moment all the imbalanced effort over the last few months got converted into pain and resentment.  She put energy into another guy instead of me.

Ann's hormones were out of whack, she's stressed, her body and her head were having a tough time.  She's not feeling sexy, doesn't feel up to sending pics, dirty messages, or spend video time with me - totally understandable and justifiable.  I'm okay with that...  Until she went out and spent the night with someone else.  In one moment all those understandable things over the past month got converted into pain and resentment.  She was feeling so un-sexy that she didn't want to chat or send pics with me but she spent the night with someone else?

In one moment, everything I thought I knew got turned on its head.

Add all of that to three sleepless nights, personal and work stress, problems in just about every aspect of my life and it was a perfect storm of fucked up.

So, there wasn't any build up.  There wasn't any warning.  I didn't have a problem with any of those things until very suddenly I did.  How could I have known there was a switch that could be flipped until it was too late?

That's part of why I went from 0-60 in a couple of hours instead of having a gradual build up.  That's why it was so difficult to communicate with her.  I was fine and then suddenly I wasn't.  Everything that I had been justifying and understanding of suddenly didn't seem justifiable or understandable.  That's why I went from totally fine to feeling completely neglected.

But at the time I didn't know what was going on.  It was like my world turned upside down and I didn't know why.  I just knew I was hurt.  But my whole life was having problems in the same week, I wasn't sleeping, had huge work stress, life stress, etc.  I couldn't pin point what was wrong because it felt like everything was going wrong.  And I couldn't handle all of it at once, that's why I started drinking.  If the whole ship was going down, I might as well enjoy the ride.

Was it smart?  Absolutely not.  I made everything worse.  Not only am I hurt but I'm dealing with the fall out of my own actions.

Yeah, it's been a bad week.

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