Sunday, September 28, 2014

Rough Few Days

Probably the most interesting part of yesterday was seeing the various commentary on different posts.  There are quite a few people who seem really eager to paint me with a variety of vulgar colors.  Some of them even quoted parts of my posts and tried to analyze me.  Most believe that the sex was the problem... which indicates their one dimensional outlook on relationships and a complete ignorance of most everything I've written.

So, let me make this abundantly clear IT'S NOT ABOUT THE SEX.

Let me put it this way, our relationship status is a perfect analogy;  Ann open, me closed.  That's pretty much it in a nutshell.

I am 100% committed, no holds barred, take no prisoners, do absolutely anything for her.  She's the first thought that runs through my head in the morning and the last one at night.  I'm constantly doing nice little things for her, sending pics, posts, etc.  When she has a bad day I'm doing everything in my power to give her a smile.  She's my one and only.

What's our activity been like in the month since my visit?

How many phone calls - one
How many video chats - one
How much sexy time together - zero
How many sexy pics sent - one and I asked for it
She has a bad day, I do things like write Long Distance Support.
I have a bad few days, she screws another guy.

I know she's been really busy with work for the last few weeks, I know she's having a rough time physically, mentally, emotionally, but who does she turn to?  Someone else.

She needs to feel sexy, get some relief... What about me?  Why not call me up?  Why not have some sexy talk with me?  Why not have some sexy video chat?  I have a really flexible schedule, I can fit in around whatever she has going on.  Then turn to someone else if that isn't enough?

One of the big questions: If I was upset when she told me that she was going out then why didn't I bring it up?  She would have cancelled had I asked.  Because I love her and I wanted her to be happy.  

She's there acting all cutesy, asking for permission for something she needs... How am I supposed to turn her down?  Am I supposed to say "Sorry, babe, I know you really want this and it's really hard for you to schedule these things but I'm having a terrible couple days and can't handle this right now?"  Yeah, because I need to feel selfish on top of everything else, take that one little thing away from her.

So, instead I tried to suck up my own horrible days, my own emotions, my own problems, but at the same time I was feeling neglected, left out.

Open isn't a problem, we've been open before, but in order to be okay with that I need to feel like I'm her main guy.  I need to be completely confident in the relationship.  She's hardly paid any attention to me in the last few weeks but she makes time for another guy?  How am I supposed to feel like I'm a priority for her?  And if I'm not a priority, what am I doing here, 100% committed to her?

Should I have talked to her?  Absolutely.  But I was trying to do the right thing for her and shove down all the pain I was feeling myself.  When I love someone that's what I do, I ignore my own needs and try to fill hers.  No matter what.  But then I was in such a bad place mentally after the last few days, my stresses, her situation, and everything else in my life right now that I started drinking.  Drinking made everything worse.  Then I felt Ann was being flippant with me and I blew up.

While some of you thought that made me an ass, two-faced, manipulative, many of you made judgments based only on a few posts? On what information we've chosen to share about us?

It wasn't about the sex, though everyone seems unflinchingly focused on that singular act.  Just like every other situation in life, it's complex, it's multifaceted. It's hard to read criticism from people I don't know, in public, based on the tiny portion of our relationship that they see.

I do know that many of you sincerely want things to go well for us. Right now Ann and I are trying to talk through this.  I'm sure at least one of us will write about it.

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