Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Big thoughts today

So, I had an interesting moment today.  I was actually feeling pretty good, it was kind of like the clouds had lifted a bit and things seemed clearer than they had in a long time.  So, I stopped and tried to figure out why.

The best answer I've been able to come up with is that my brain is a mother fucker and I think too much.

For the most part, my life has been a series of events that have been determined by a lot of factors that were out of my control.  There weren't many things at home that were great, I didn't have many options for school or work afterwards so I joined the military, had a kid and was stuck in a bad marriage, got a divorce that I didn't want at the time, watched my ex get remarried and move away with our kid, and then got forced out of the military.

Throughout all of that, I was trying to make the best of bad situations.  I pushed my thoughts and feelings to the side and rationalized everything as best I could.  There wasn't much choice so I did what I had to.

Then, things got better for me.  I got a good job, I'm in a cool place, and for the FIRST TIME in my life I can basically do whatever the fuck I want without factoring in anyone else.

And yet, I haven't really done much with all that freedom.  I spent too much time in my head.  Part of it is my own personality but it's also become habit over the decades.  I still got myself into situations that I didn't want to be in and rationalized it away.  And I'm not talking about the little things that we don't want to do, I mean the big things.  I pushed my thoughts and feelings to the side and rationalized everything.  Again and again.  And I kept feeling hurt, no matter what creative words the brain used to say it was okay.  And I'm really good at rationalizing things.  Good or bad, doesn't matter.  I can explain almost anything in a way that makes sense whether it's something I want or not.

Today, I realized that my brain has been stuck in those past behaviors.  It was leading me to accept things and situations that I shouldn't have.  But I'm not in that place anymore, I don't have to rationalize and push my needs to the side just to survive a bad situation.

If it isn't something I want, if it isn't something that suits my needs, no amount of rationalization will make it feel good.  No matter how hard the brain talks, if it's not what I want, it's not what I want.  If it's not what I need, it's not what I need.  Don't carry it around, drop it and move on.  And I mean that mentally, emotionally, and physically.  No need to drag baggage around with me, if it's not useful leave it behind and move on feeling lighter.

What I recognized today is that I need to be more selfish moving forward.  I don't need to put up with anything, I don't need to rationalize things, it's either what I want or it isn't.  And if it isn't, I don't need it.

That and I need to enjoy my freedom more.  Might be some interesting posts in the near future.


  1. You are doing so well! Good for you. I've been away for a bit, but I am so happy that you have regained a little strength and balance. And I'm especially glad to know you're back to blogging. I look forward to reading about the rest of your journey.

  2. I'm liking all over this.

    *like* *like* *like*

    Pewpewpew! <fireworks �� & horns ��

  3. I'm looking forward to reading those interesting posts....

    I also tend to live more in my own head.... so :) Maybe we can have some interesting discussions...