Monday, October 20, 2014

Double standards and a break

I started blogging more than five years ago.  I was going through some rough times and had some stories to tell but didn't have anyone I could safely share them with, so I started an anonymous blog.  It was supposed to be the one place where I could write about absolutely anything without worrying about anyone's opinion or feelings.  A way to be totally honest with myself and safely vent.

Yeah, not so anonymous anymore.

In case you didn't read Ann's post yesterday she wrote some pretty hurtful things about me, but worse she quoted my posts like they were evidence in a trial.  Bullet points from hell.  But she put in caveats, which makes it totally fine, right?  She wrote that she MAY be irrational.  Yeah, that doesn't make me feel any better.  That's kind of like writing "With all due respect, go jump off a bridge".

I have several problems with all of this.

First, let's take a look at the double standard going on here.  She does whatever and whoever she wants, writes whatever she wants, with no regard for my feelings but calls me out for some vague commentary or suggestions that I might do something?  I've been trying so hard to be polite and nonspecific in my writing, trying not to drag this out into public and preserve her feelings, but that wasn't enough.  My words get torn apart for things that are potentially harmful when she's actually doing most of the things she's accusing me of.  This is a ridiculous double standard and yet somehow I've been turned into the bad guy.  Again.

Secondly, my safe place has been totally violated.  Again.  How am I supposed to keep writing when my words get taken out of context and used against me?  How am I supposed to be honest and introspective when I'm censoring myself, trying to avoid writing anything that might be hurtful or get quoted?  I told her how much it bothered me to be quoted like that and she said she wouldn't do it anymore but the damage has been done.  Everything that made this blog a valuable place is gone.

There is no part of this that is good for me.

I was going to fake it until all this felt less poisonous but instead it got worse.  Blogging should be a positive thing, not a minefield.  It makes me want to delete this blog and start over somewhere else, but at the same time I've been here for over five fucking years.  This is my space, I don't want to give it up but I also don't feel like I can write right now.

So, I'm taking an indefinite break.  Could be weeks, could be months, but I'm not coming back until all this stops being so unhealthy.

9 comments:

  1. Take a break Mr. Id. The real world will do you some good.

    All the best,
    Gardener

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  2. You can always start a new blog with a new name. I've done that before. It helps. You can always go back to the old identity when you are ready but it can you give you that special place you need to express what's going on inside of you. Just a thought.

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  3. If I may ask, what keeps you from just writing what you want and not reading what she writes?

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    Replies
    1. It's the principle, not the subject. This place doesn't feel safe anymore, I can't write here.

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  4. Perhaps for your own sanity start another blog, until you feel happy with this one again. You can always transfer your posts to and from..... just a sugestion... and yes I would read that blog... and not a peep what it is..... or you could make it a private blog till you feel it again....

    I'm commenting with my google+ account if you wanna chat or you can find me on twitter... I'm a good listener @SerinsSphere

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  5. Oh in a perfect world we could all just get along, right? If you don't like to censor yourself than DON'T! It doesn't have to be war. In fact, you might feel a bit better to NOT read her blogs anymore. After all, you would have no idea how vindictive or vicious she feels if you aren't reading it. You're still holding on, and she's making it very clear that she doesn't want ties. It seems she really knows how to press your buttons, and maybe that's what's she enjoying about this whole thing. Be glad that you found this out now and not when you much much deeper into the relationship. Sounds crappy now, cause you're feelings are still raw, but it's the truth.

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  6. I hope happier days are ahead. I hope you come back soon :-)

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  7. As I mentioned before, sometimes we just want the anonymity of a blog, sadly you now feel yours has been invaded. Just let it all go, get Those trainers on, run, recycle those boxes and return fresh ��

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  8. I'm sorry.

    Space and time from blogging will probably do you the world of good.

    Big smooshy virtual hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete