Monday, October 6, 2014

I'm torn

Right now, I'm trying to decide what the next phase of my life will be now that I'm newly single.  Like usual, I've got the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other, the two sides are arguing what the right branch of the path will be.  I'd like to think that we all have a good side and a bad side, though most probably don't have an anonymous blog that was started specifically to celebrate and revel in debauchery.  Yeah, check out my early posts and you'll see what I mean.

Not so long ago, the dark side would have won hands down.  I'd be celebrating my single-hood with copious amounts of alcohol and trying to fuck anything moving.  Loose women and Jack Daniels, it's a traditional recipe but sometimes oldies are goodies.  I'd be going out to the bars every weekend and signing up for every NSA sex website, app, whatever.  There's got to be some "wives wanting to cheat" websites, those are great for avoiding those messy emotional tangles.  In a couple days or weeks I'd be writing womanizing posts and trumpeting my conquests with vivid detail and semi-erotic ramblings, good to give the voyeurs a hard on.  Sometimes, we just want to treat others like objects and be treated like one in return.

Recently though, my monastic side has been coming out more frequently.  I got rid of my TV and other distractions so I can focus on more important things.  I keep to myself, get reflective, introspective, and try to grow more as a person.  I read a lot, try and gain perspective on life, love, and happiness.  Last week, I received a copy of "The Secret Oral Traditions of Tibetan Buddhism".  Losing myself in that book and spending a couple hours a day meditating on the words might be just the ticket.  Run, write, work, meditate, repeat.  A simple life really appeals to me.  It's important to rise above the human condition, understand it and control it.

Now, both sides of this debate are natural parts of me.  Part of me wants to be Hank Moody (if you don't know who that is you shouldn't be here), and part of me wants to be a monk searching for enlightenment within.  Neither side is better or worse than the other, they're two sides to the same coin.  You can't have one without the other.  Either one can be taken to an extreme that's unhealthy, moderation is key.  I'm not either one completely, I'm always fluctuating between the two, usually finding some place in the middle.

Like I said, not so long ago it wouldn't have been a discussion, the Hank Moody side would be running the show right now, but I actually don't feel that pull very strongly right now.  It's like I could go that way but I don't need to.  The monastic side, probably the more mature side, makes more sense logically.  I have an opportunity right now to make smart decisions and grow as a person, rather than back sliding into bad decisions.  But at the same time, bad decisions are usually a lot of fun and lead to rather interesting stories (and posts), so there's some appeal there too.

Honestly, I'm not going to make up my mind any time soon.  Frankly, I'm enjoying the internal monologue and the fact that I have options.  It's my decision, I'm not on autopilot, I'm taking my time to be honest with myself about where I am right now.  Either way, I'm sure I'll be writing about it.

1 comment:

  1. I hear you on where you are right now.

    I find myself at a similar crossroads in some fashion. I want all the things yet I'm rather cautious about all the things because at the same time I don't know if I want all the things.

    I'm contemplating writing about it but it's going to be a long boring emotion outpouring so I've been holding off.

    It's good you're talking your time. Do whatever you feel is right. Even though I think this was hard for everyone involved take the time to get yourself back on track.