Wednesday, October 1, 2014

What do I want?

I've had a lot of time to think over the last two days about love, life, and all the other great mysteries.  The big questions.  What do I want?  What do I deserve?  And how the hell do I get there?  Of course, right now those questions are all relating to my love life, so don't expect any deep conversations about the meaning of life.

What do I want?  I want to be active, have friends and a life.  I want to write and publish novels.  I want to finish a marathon in under four hours.  Those are the little things, the biggest thing that I want is a partner.  I would happily trade almost every other goal to be with the right woman.  I want a best friend and a lover to grow old with.  Preferably, this will be a monogamous situation, not because I can't handle open relationships but because I want the person to be as dedicated to me as I am to her.  I want a partner who only needs me in the bedroom, if we decide to spice things up and expand our horizons that's fine, but it should be added spice, not a necessity.  Open relationships add complexity and complications that I prefer to avoid.  I want simplicity, comfort.  Fifty years from now I want to be creaking back and forth in our rockers together, complaining about the loud kids that moved in next door, and swapping pics of the grand kids.  That's what I want.

What do I deserve?  This is a trickier question because my sarcastic, cynical side wants to write that I don't deserve anything other than shorts bouts of medium-grade happiness interspersed with long periods of heavy drinking and self-deprecating blog posts.  It's hard for me to write that I deserve happiness, that I deserve a quality partner.  It's hard for me to write that I deserve a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and attentive woman.  It's hard for me to write that I deserve a relationship where my partner wants to make me happy as much as I want to make her happy.  A partner who wants to make compromises for me as much as I want to make compromises for her.  A partner who wants to put as much time, energy and effort into the relationship as I do.  A partner as dedicated to me as I am to her.  It's hard for me to write that I deserve a partner, a true partner in every form of the word.  But that is what I deserve.  I think that's what we all deserve.

How do I get there?  This might be the hardest question of all.  If there were a simple, easy answer no books on relationships would become best sellers, self-improvement gurus would be out of jobs, and all art would be happy, bright, and without depth.  The short answer is there is no one answer, it's a process of elimination.  We try one approach and evaluate the results.  We try a different approach and evaluate the results.  Hopefully, with enough time, effort, and experimentation each person finds the answer that works for them before they die.

Answering questions like these helps me clarify some of my life and decisions.  There might not be an obvious path forward but at least I know what I'm working towards.  Hopefully, with enough time, effort, and experimentation I can find the right partner.  It's not always easy though, our brains are often muddled with sappy chemicals when we are in a new relationship and it isn't clear whether this is the right person or not.  Other times we think we've found the right person and when they aren't it crushes us, not because we've lost them but because the illusion in our heads has been broken.  That's what makes us reevaluate our lives, not the loss of a partner but having to reshape our projected future into something without them.  I think that terrifies a lot of people and they stay in relationships that they shouldn't, just because they don't want to give up the illusory future they've formed in their heads.  It's too scary to live without illusions.  It's too scary to look to the future and see ourselves alone.

So, how do we pull through the sappy chemicals to figure out whether the relationship is right or not?  I'm still working on that one, I'll let you know if I figure it out.


  1. Also kids. Kids make it a hell of a lot harder to leave a relationship.

  2. Wow!
    This does hit close to home!
    I have been in that relationship where it was just too difficult to let go of my childhood dream of aging with my husband, so I stayed. I probably should have left even befre we got married, but I thought so little of myself then that I thought I was lucky *he* wanted *me* and should just change myself to satisfy his vision of what a wife is or should be. Problem is, I'm not sure he really knew what it was he wanted, and he didn't realise I was changing myself. Wasn't interested in seeing that. He's a bit of a selfish prick ;-)

    Now, I'm out of that relationship, but I'm still mourning the loss of my childhood dream. And also wondering why in hell did I stay with him that long. That's a tough one to answer too!
    I'm getting better, one blog post, one day, one discussion at a time...

    What Aenidflick said is true too. Kids in the relationship make it harder to leave. But when I realised I was giving them a distorted idea of what a relationship whould be like, I decided it was more detrimenta for them if I stayed than if I left. It's still a daily struggle, a controlling freak won't give up trying to control your life just because you moved out. But I'm getting better at recognising it, and stronger too. I can now say screw you, or at lest think it :-)

    We will all eventually find the happiness we deserve. Even my ex. At least, if he's ready to open up his heart and look for happiness instead of trying to blame other people for his difficulties.

    Good luck with your quest, and do keep me informed if you find anything, I'm interested!


  3. Ahh! Well I think on some level we all just want that.... (hugs) you will figure it out.

  4. You'll get there. I have faith. I want the same things, minus the marathon. You couldn't pay me to enter a marathon!