Tuesday, February 10, 2015

A New Year

I wanted to write about Australia while the memories were still fresh (there's still more coming) but that means that I've put off other posts.  Like New Years.  Usually I avoid those kind of arbitrary milestone posts because on their own they don't really mean much.  They're like birthdays, it's just a number, nothing has really changed from the day before.  This year though, I actually wanted to write.

The beginning of 2014 I was bored, lonely, and indifferent about my life.  Things weren't all bad but life was dull and without any promising prospects I didn't have a lot of optimism for the future.  I was just kind of trudging through, surviving day to day.

The end of 2014, December 31st, I was in Australia with Sharn and a few of her friends, drinking and watching the Sydney New Years Eve fireworks on the TV.  Like usual, I did a mental review of the year and was surprised at just how crazy 2014 was.  Most of my year-end reviews don't have much to comment on but 2014 was different.  There were so many ups and downs and all-arounds.  Good, bad, and just about everything in between.

If you are a regular reader than you've read about many of the highs and lows over the year but there are a few big things that have slipped through the cracks.  Or in this case, a few women have slipped through.

My biggest realization at the end of the year was that in 2014 I slept with more women than in any previous year.  By a decent margin.

Before any of you get the wrong idea about why I'm posting this factoid, it's not to celebrate or brag, I have some seriously mixed emotions about it myself.

On one hand, part of me is happy that I got out, had more fun than usual, learned some lessons and had some good times... But the larger part of me is troubled.  Why am I troubled?  Well, because nothing has really changed.  I live in the same place, I work the same job, I still don't see my kid very often, I have the same bad habits, and I sleep alone in my queen sized bed with only my dog to keep me company.  As much fun I've had, as many entertaining stories and posts as I had last year... my life is the same as it was in the beginning of 2014.  I'm slightly older, slightly wiser, but otherwise nothing has changed.  Here I am, bored, lonely, without any promising prospects, fairly indifferent about my life, trudging through day to day.

If anything, having spent time with so many women, only to end up in the same place, is really depressing.  I have some amazing memories that I'll always cherish but memories won't keep me warm at night.  Last year I jumped into the dating pool deep end, spent a lot of time and effort meeting people, and I'm still alone.  That much time and effort, to not progress at all, is that what I'll have to do every year and just hope to get lucky one day?  Yeah, that's depressing.

And, sure, I gained a lot of stories and memories over the year but they weren't all good.  Some were treasures but in many of these 'encounters' (relationship isn't a broad enough term for all of them) someone eventually got hurt.  It wasn't all one sided, I'm not going to pretend to be an innocent here, broken hearts all around.  And that sucks too because it seems like the more relationships fail, the less I invest in future ones.  It becomes harder and harder to actually open up to new people and possibilities.  Maybe the older we get the harder it is to fall head over heels again, we hold ourselves back too far.  Or maybe I just haven't had enough to drink tonight.

If I went through all the good and bad, added notches to my belt and scars to my heart, only to end up in the same place... was it even worth it?  I could have just stayed home all year.  Was it worth it?  I don't know and I guess that's what I'm struggling with at the moment.  But if I don't continue putting myself out there then there's no chance for any improvement, so I don't see an alternative to continuing the pain and frustration.  On the other hand, isn't the definition of insanity to keep trying the same thing and expecting different results?

So, after a long, eventful year... I reviewed everything and realized I'm actually more jaded and cynical than before.  My life is in the same place but it's even harder to pull up any enthusiasm for the future.

I don't know how I feel about all this at the moment...  So, cheers, here's hoping we all survive the next year too.

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