Monday, June 1, 2015

Stephanie

I haven't written much about Stephanie other than briefly mentioning her in other posts.  There hasn't been much to write about, really.  And I don't really know what to say about her.  I'm struggling a bit and that's unusual for me.

First off, there's nothing wrong with her and I don't mean this as a criticism of her.  If anything, the lackluster "relationship" is more a reflection on me.  She's a successful woman, close to my age, easy to get along with, nice, has good friends and is interested in many of the things I am.  She's not perfect but on paper she's a good match for me.  However, what looks good on paper doesn't always play out that way in real life.

Again, that's more my fault than hers.

I met Stephanie at pretty much exactly the wrong time.  Over the last couple years I've had too many ups and downs, I'm exhausted.  I'm jaded.  I'm cynical.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm so emotionally detached right now that I have zero interest in being in a relationship.  At all.  Period.  With anyone.  

She asked about how my parents were doing after my grandma died.  I told her.  She wanted to send them a little care package.  I just shrugged that off, I don't want to have anyone I'm casually dating involved with my family, but that's the type of person she is.

The other night she sent a brief "good night" text around dinner time.  Now, knowing her as I do, I'm sure she was going to dinner with a friend.  I didn't ask because I didn't really care.  A short while later a though occurred to me, she could be cheating.  It was a brief thought, more of an internal joke than anything else, but my response to that thought was remarkable.  I laughed.  There were no flashes of jealousy, no disappointment, or anything like that.  I thought if it turned out she was cheating that would be funny.  It was be an interesting twist to the situation.  She isn't, she isn't the type, but it would be funny if she was.

Yeah, you could say I'm detached.  I'm not sure if this is a temporary situation or the new normal but at the moment it's kind of liberating.  I don't care.  I could just as easily be single at the moment, and that might even be preferable.

3 comments:

  1. Of course I don't know you at all to make this judgment call, but I recognize it, so here goes. I think sometimes we need that OFF time, and sometimes we even need those Stephanies in our lives. But never have I heard of someone who stays in the OFF, or settles for life with the Stephanie. It sounds like she is meeting the smallest of whatever it is you need, and that's great. I totally recognized the laughter of if she were cheating. I've been there before. Not enough emotional energy to even casually give a flying fuck. -- anyway sometimes words from a stranger can hit a chord. Yours did for me.

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    Replies
    1. I think a lot of people settle with their variation of Stephanie, take an easy option rather than keeping up the search. Each of my many failed relationships have nudged me further and further toward this "off" status. I can't help but think that one of these times it's just not going to switch back on. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

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  2. I'm currently in the mode of wondering if the switch will ever be turned back on. What scares me more, is my apparent ease with it being off. I get what you're saying ...

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