Thursday, August 6, 2015

Crotchety old man in the woods

I'm in a rant of a mood today.  Most of my days are very simple, work then go home, maybe a writing group then bed.  It's a simple, quiet life most of the time.

That might seem like a boring existence but I've found that it's really the only way I can keep my sanity.  Days like today, when I have writing group and have to be semi-social, remind me why I stay away from people.  They're fucking stupid, irritating, rude, condescending, hipsters, soccer moms, and douche bags, all running around as though they're doing something important between checking their phone and admiring how trendy they are.  The level of pretentiousness is overwhelming.

I'm at Whole Foods, if you hadn't guessed that already.  It's an annoyingly convenient location for this writing group but simply walking through the aisles, trying to find a bottle of water before the meeting, is enough to make me want to swear off humanity forever.

It's tempting to say that it's the Whole Foods crowd that pisses me off, but really they're not that different from other people.  They're just stupid enough to pay five fucking dollars for a small bottle of fruit juice.  Whether that makes them better or worse than regular stupid people I leave up to you.

I've already seen four guys wearing pants and sandals.  That's a big fucking pet peeve.  Is it hot or cold?  Make up your fucking mind.  If it's cold you wear pants... and shoes.  If it's hot you wear shorts and maybe sandals.  But pants and sandals?  It's an impractical contradiction, like wearing swim shorts and combat boots.  That would also fall under this pet peeve but it's a variation I see far, far less often.  (Don't worry ladies, none of these apply to you, practicality doesn't factor into your weird rules on footwear.  I don't even try to keep up.)

I'm a very practical guy, grew up in a small town with broke parents.  We never went hungry, or without the necessities, but we also never ate out or had nice things.  Cat used to force me to go shopping with her because otherwise I'd literally wear the same clothes for years (and since getting divorced I've only bought some stuff for work and running, mwuhuhahaha!).  What's a couple holes, they're still good.  And for a guy, you know what the difference is between a $5 t-shirt and a $50 t-shirt?  $45 dollars I'd rather keep in my pocket.

Worse, my home is getting invaded.

My quaint little town is rapidly turning into the biggest douche bag center in twenty miles.  It was always affluent, but it was the quiet, laid back, retired-hippy kind of affluent.  Rich but kitsch.  I'm neither but used to fit in comfortably enough.  I tend to get along with old people better than the younger generations these days.  I specifically moved to this town rather than the nearby cities because it was nice, quiet and comfortable.  It's also beautiful.

However, in the last two years my quaint little town was "discovered".  Suddenly big businesses recognized the inherent awesomeness here and are trying very hard to monetize it.  Two years ago we were added to the tourist bus routes, which sucked and drew even more attention.  I'm not ashamed to say I live in the crappy part of this town, ie. the affordable part.  It's not a nice neighborhood, I have a halfway house across the street.  Yet, at least two or three times a week I have Asian tourists wandering through, having gotten turned around in their directions.  Have you ever tried helping a lost tourist who doesn't speak English?  Yeah, it's a blast.

In the last year they built a Target and a Whole Foods within three blocks of my apartment.  Just down the road they bulldozed a row of cute little houses to build a massive condominium.  Opening price for a small unit?  Over 600k.  No bullshit.

With the "trendy" businesses and growth came the onrush of hipsters and douche bags.  I'd managed to evade them for a couple years but now they congregate literally within a couple blocks of my place.

I wasn't far enough away from society, it's caught up with me.  I walked through Whole Foods to find a bottle of water and had to continuously suppress the urge to stab idiots in the face with over priced kitchen utensils.  Five minutes was too much for me, I grabbed the water and ran out as fast as I could.

I often joke about getting a cabin in the middle of the woods but the older I get the less of a joke it becomes.  Right now it's my five year plan.  Get the out while the getting is good.  And that's not a joke.  I'm going to get a cabin in the middle of nowhere, put up "trespassers, salesmen, and hipsters will be shot" signs, and keep a rifle by the door.  Seriously, that's my five year plan, I'm already looking at properties and figuring out the logistics.

Yes, I'll be thirty five this year and I'm already a crotchety old man.


  1. I loved this ... it made me laugh and I can relate sadly to both sides. More the crotchety old man part, but living in So Cal, a bit of the trendy too. I too am looking for my escape route, but mine is mostly from people in general.

    1. Find a job you can do by telecommute and move to Wyoming. :P That's my fallback plan.